quick update...

I have about 15 minutes to post this blog. It has been a long time since I blogged and I know many of you worry when it goes too long. I am grateful for this. First of all, my trip to Indianapolis was too fast. I met my sisters friends, ate good food and watched some great soccer games! I had an amazing time and it was all too short. Pat McGroin is as funny in person as he is on the blog and Christa's passe of girls are as sweet as ever! I can't wait to see you all again so when I have some dates set for the summer...save them!
I came home very tired yet content with my mini vacation. Spent some time getting rest, caught up around the house and taking care of major GI issues. I believe I have gotten this under control with meds, probiotics and dietary changes.
This past week has been pretty rough. I am emotionally exhausted and drained. I am actually leaving today to go to Glenwood Springs for a mental vacation from all the stress. I will be spending time with friends, playing with the kids and getting some quiet time to reflect and pray for guidance. Life is complicated enough....throw in cancer and family dynamics....you have a pitiful Farside. Keep us all in your prayers and lots of love out to you all!

cat scans in!

I know I needed to do this much sooner, but to sit down to a computer much less sit down at all has been hard for me today! I got my results from my lovely cat scan yesterday and was very pleased to hear my news. It basically showed that in the past eight weeks my tumors have not grown, changed, moved, spread.......nothing! My CEA's went up a bit, hopefully showing cell lysis (death) specifically from the tumor. I know we would all love to hear that there has been shrinkage and tumor death all over.....but let's recap. We haven't really heard any good news since August! So, yes! I am enjoying this news quite a bit! I suffered from quite a bit of diarrhea threw the last round of treatment and assume that this next one will cause the same if not worse forcing me into adult depends to leave the house. So, there is a new drug added to the others called Octreotide. This medication needs to be given by injection into whatever fat pocket I can find......this should be a fun treasure hunt! And the answer (regarding anything about this medication!) I could get from the pharmacist was a hearty, "I don't know. You are the first person I have ever had to order it for." Shouldn't I get my money back for that? Oh! And the years of education that went into that guy!
Well, I have to say one thing clear. I have realized that when people ask how I am feeling, it is not always regarding my physical state. I guess I don't think about my mental state much until I feel the emotions swell in me. So, honestly, yesterday I felt I was drowning in dread before I went to see my onc and after a trusty xanex and a great cup of tea I was able to mellow my anxiety. I am certain that the multitude of prayers helped as well! I am so grateful for these and all the well wishes and concerned calls. The weather is supposed to be lovely this weekend so get out and enjoy it! I will be in Indiana for a quick visit with sister, niece, mom and Richy. I will have the opportunity to meet all the friends that have lifted my sister during the past 15 months. Oh! And YES jealous girls! I will finally meet Pat Mcgroin! No, you can not fit into my suitcase. Hee! Hee! Hee! Love you all!

Wow! that's it, wow!

I am not sure if I will be able to word this well with so many emotions wrapped up in it. Multiple women, some being long time friends and some I met for the first time, came together to create the most amazing fund raiser for myself and my family. I can not tell you what was raised last night since I have not been privy to that information until it is all done, but I can tell you that even if no monetary funds were raised, my spirits sure were! I am amazed everyday by the outpouring of love I continue to received. I arrived at the fundraiser and quickly notice how full the parking lot was. It took my breathe away and forced me to remain in my car till I could regain full control of my emotions. When I walked in, I was overtaken by awe when I realized how much work went into this and it was all accomplished in less than three weeks!
Tomorrow I will receive news on my cat scan and the decision will be made on whether or not I will continue with this current treatment. Unfortunately, after much research, I have come to the harsh realization that we are nearing the end of chemotherapy treatments. If this one is not showing improvements (which I can not imagine that it would not!) I will be discussing alternative treatment. Whether it is immunotherapy, macro beads, proton therapy or vaccine treatment, I don't know. What I do know is all of these require travel and can be very expensive becoming a financial burden on my family. My point is, the fund raiser couldn't have come at a better time!
Let's all regroup for a second. Everyone continues to ask me how I am feeling followed by a "really". Yes, I have lost a lot of weight, my energy is not what it was 15 months ago, and if I am not barfing all my hard earned nutrition out, I am having constant daily diarrhea. I know, way too much information! I have tried to protect ya'll from this......cats out. Besides all that garbage, I feel really good! I do not feel like I have cancer in my lungs at all and the tumor must be positioned just perfect not to be pushing on my liver capsule, which would cause a great deal of pain. These two things alone are God! I am uplifted everyday by friends and family and filled with joy by all the love I have felt. Unless I am actively pooping or barfing......I am not going to complain. Now I have to go. Bailey (my lovely dog) just barfed three times and I have to clean it up. Can we say, "Ewww!" Love out to you all!

Very happy birthday to me!

Can I tell you? February 28th is my birthday and I turned 39.......a young 39 just so you know. This February of 2011 was theeee best birthday month of my life! I feel like I got to celebrate all month long. It started out with a spa night with a massage that my girls from my small group put together. Lunch with close girlfriends. Then my husband took me out to the Chop House for an amazing dinner! My twin came into town so we could celebrate together. We met up with 21 super cool friends at the Chop House for appetizers and drinks and then took over the last open section at Sing Sing to dance the night away. Nothing better than getting on stage and dancing the hokey poky....shaking your booty for the crowd. Only....I don't have a booty anymore! We had such a great time. The next day we took the kids to White Fence Farm and pigged out on fried chicken. All is good! I even put on 3 pounds over that weekend! On Monday, Christa and I went to get pedicures, have lunch at Tai bistro, and go see the Kings Speech. If you haven't seen it yet, go! I am telling you, this has been the best birthday of my life! God even surprised me with spring like weather so I could get outside. That warm Colorado sun is some good medicine! Something we all need. I enjoyed some time at Clement park and Red Rocks. Both very beautiful days!
I have continued taking my xeloda (chemo pills) and dealing with, ummmm, really fun side effects from that. I had my cat scan on Thursday morning and will find out the results of that on Wednesday. Other than that, I don't have much to tell. I feel good, my appetite is back up and my energy seems back to the new norm too. Honestly, I just took a much needed cancer vacation. It can be easy when you don't feel a queen and her passe hanging out in my liver and lungs. I think they are gone. There! Hope you all get a chance to take a mini vacation from your own harsh realities of life.....it is very therapeutic! Love you all!

Oh Boy!

After a jam packed morning with Bible study and a nice impromptu birthday lunch, I came home to take a nap. I wasn't truly quite tired but I wanted to rest before my birthday dinner with my husband. I walked into my house and about fell over. "No, no, no, no! This is not happening!" I kept saying this as I continued to inspect the rest of the house. "No, no, no!!!" My sweet, loving, beautiful chocolate lab had accomplish what no other dog has. There was diarrhea EVERYWHERE! All through the living room, dining room, kitchen, and family room. By God's grace, she did not make it up the stairs.......yet. After opening all the windows (thank God again it wasn't snowing outside) I began the prep work so that when John got home he could clean it up. Pull out the carpet cleaner, set pots of water to boil, bucket, pail and sponge, and the big gun......bleach. Is it ok to use bleach in a carpet cleaner on carpet? Hmmmm. I don't care....love that bleach. Most of you know, because of the chemo, I am not supposed to handle animal feces. Hence, leaving the dirty job to him. Luckily, I already have a vet appointment for her at 10 tomorrow.
Then we got gussied up, Anna came over to watch the kids and we went out to dinner. John had made reservations "somewhere" for my birthday. I was looking forward to a nice dinner, yummy food, in an adult environment. John pulled up to the restaurant and all I could do was giggle. The Chop House? Are you serious? Cliff note: my twin is coming into town and a bunch of my girls are meeting us at the Chop House on Saturday for appetizers and drinks. Granted, I was not going to pass up a full meal there. It was amazing! I ate till I looked 3 months pregnant! I came home really tired but now I can't sleep. So, I figure it was a good time to get caught up on emails only to find one addressed from one of the kids teachers. Oh Boy! Witnessed behavior so bad that she lost recess, lunch in the lunch room and was sentenced to community service. Oh! How interesting this has made my morning! Somebody is going to get it........I have to pray that the right words will flow from my mouth to demonstrate my disappointment and encourage behavioral improvement. Now, I am really tired. I'm going to bed. Good night all!

sweet memories!

It is yet another beautiful Colorado morning although it is supposed to rain this afternoon and then snow for the next 17. Go figure! I had such a horrible night of sleep thanks to my neuropathy in my feet. Not so sure what got them all fired up last night.......but it sucked, I tell you! I usually sleep with socks on because of the neuropathy but last night I couldn't stand to have anything touching them.....very weird!
As the mean mom, I made the girls clean their rooms yesterday. For their reward they got to get together with a friend and have a sleep over. Sierra went out for hers and Saige had her guest here. These girls played horse's all evening. Do you remember the old school horses? I played with these when I was a kid! I loved them and love to see two little girls (in such a techy world) play with them for hours. What imagination! Saige has eighteen of these horses. Some of them bought for her and others handed down from daddy. What memories! I remember going to my Aunt's house when she lived on the river. In the toy bin she kept for us was one of these horses. My favorite toy there....good memory. Well, on that note maybe I can catch a nap and dream about some of these memories....yay!

memories

On my mantel is my collection of memories. Memories of babies being born, children growing up, weddings, camping trips, hiking 14ers, playing in creeks. I could go on and on. I generally take these down for Christmas decorating and then place them back up there after the new year. Well, if you think I am a slacker in the blog world, you will be happy to know that I just pulled those out yesterday and placed them back up on the mantel. Then I cried. How is it that there is a picture of me on a huge boulder of Mount Holy Cross and three months later I am in the hospital, diagnosed with cancer, fighting for my life, 20 pounds lighter with muscle atrophy? I have to be honest with you all. I really miss that strong, healthy body. Don't get me wrong. I am very blessed with the health I have. I am grateful for every chance I get to be out enjoying friends and family. And on most days I am very accepting of the symptoms I deal with on a daily basis. It's just a new way of living and I work around it, right? I mean, lets face it. I haven't blogged in ten days. And I know it tends to worry you, but I was really out enjoying life....and isn't that better than sitting here focused on cancer?
I don't have a lot to report. I have chemo on Wednesday again. They will infuse the Oxolyplatin and then I will go on the fourteen day regimen of Xeloda. After the full treatment there should be a CT. I have been feeling mostly good. Appetite has been off and neuropathy is.......I'm ready for summer. Other than that, energy is good. I hope you all have a happy Valentines Day! I plan on eating cake!