Not everyday is going to be easy.....

This morning the kids went for a play date......probably the best day for it. I now know what it is like to have an over flowing amount of emotions that can burst from the body like Mt. St. Helen's. I never thought I had space for all that! But it is out.....I am glad. And the kids weren't here to see it. I knew that they were building as the days are getting closer to the PET scan. I am terrified the results will not come back as hoped. Please pray for me on Monday. Pray that they only find 3 tumors in my liver and nothing else. Pray that I can hold it together for my own sanity and that of everyone else.
Just so you know, we all went out to dinner (sisters, niece, nephew and mother in-law) and had a wonderful time! Good to end a day on a positive note. Thank God for family and friends! I am now very tired and hope to sleep well tonight. Love you all!

Oooooo......ouch!

I went to bed last night wondering why my right shoulder blade was hurting and woke up today (at 5:30 am) wondering why my deltoid muscle was hurting and then it dawned on me......I think I pulled a couple of muscles playing Wii bowling! Wii bowling? You gotta be kidding me? This is from a girl that used to work out 5 days a week! So, today I have a plan. I am going to pull out my 2 pound weights and start building some real muscle. So, next time you see me I am going to be bald, buff and beeeeaaaauuuuutiful!

Big outings today!

Today I woke up a little sluggish but worked my way out of it with food and tylenol. By one o'clock I was itchen to get out of the house! We all got our showers in, dressed and decided to go to see Princess and the Frog. We were about an hour early so we went into Sports Authority just to window shop and came out with some super cool hats for when I go bald. :)You just wait, I will look so cute! One of them actually has head phones built in for an IPOD. Pretty cool! And another has red braids. Laughed pretty hard at that one! Then we went to the movie. It was very cute for those who have not seen it. I have to say this all wiped me out and I came home with a temperature.....hmmmmm. Still well worth it. Dinner and a bath and off to bed for me! Hope you all had a great day!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! My sister made it into town and the the other will be coming down tomorrow. I am so excited to watch my kids open their gifts and very glad to have family around! Pray for a strong and temperature free day. I have now had FOUR of them and they make me very happy. Simple things in life. We should all enjoy them. Keeping it short tonightto take of you know what for the you know who's.

We are getting our white Christmas!

Ya! What a great day to stay in my p.j.s! OK. Truth be told I got up, got showered and put on clean p.j.s! I felt great all day, yet it being my third day feeling pretty good.....didn't want to push it. So, today I was a lazy girl. I did accomplish one thing though. I put together my Kanser notebook and actually read everything! Now I am educated on all side effects and all my papers are well organized. Isn't that great? I will sleep well tonight! Mrs. Social worker called me today. They assign one for all patients. She ask me if it was a good time to talk. I said yes since all I was doing was reading all the information given to me by the center. She acknowledged it was a lot of reading and I told her it was surprisingly contradictory. She didn't know what to say to that. So, Mrs. Social worker asked me if there was anything she could do for me before my first chemo treatment. I said, "I don't know. That is a very general question and I don't know what kind of services you provide." That was fair enough, right? I mean, if she really want me to answer that I would have said, "Take my cancer away.....forever! AWAY! You said ANYTHING!" But she seemed like a nice enough person so I showed her mercy :). Please pray that HE will show me the same with all the side effect. Love you all!

chemo teaching

So, today I had my chemo teaching......at 8:00 in the morning! Ouch! I brought along my personal comic relief and my very own stenographer. It was perfect! The nurse filled my head with so much information I seriously thought I needed a nap afterward. So get this. One of the medications will give me a severe sensitivity to cold and may cause neuropathy. Small sacrifice for survival, right? OK. I can't walk outside without being covered from head to toe, especially across my mouth. If I inhale the cold air it could cause severe pain and may end me up in the ER. I can't even open up my own freezer or refrigerator without proper coverage. If I reach in the frig and grab something it will feel like I just grabbed a slab of dry ice. Isn't that something? I can't drink anything colder than room temperature. So, here is my plan. I will always wear a scarf and I will clip some gloves to the refrigerator. That way I will be able to eat at any time I wish and I will trudge forth. I was informed Thursdays were breast cancer treatment days(in case I wanted to join them) and I asked, "what day is colon cancer day?". They currently don't have one but I will work on that! Did you know National Colon Cancer Month is September? And our color is blue? Picture this. Me sitting with all the pink gals in my blue shirt! HA! Would it be so wrong to say, "My cancer can beat your cancer!"

10 things to be greatful for.

At 3:00 am this morning I sat in my living room fighting aches and pains and yet another blessed fever. As I sat there I was thinking of a few things I am greatful for. Now this list is not going to include the obvious, such as God, friends and family. So lets have fun with it!
1) gotta love my new combo drug of tylenol and advil, Mmmm.
2) massage chair-this comes in handy when I am feeling all achey
3) the Christmas lights on my Christmas tree-you gotta see them, they rock!
4) multi-grain cheerios-the only thing that seems to sound good these days.
5) my email to Dr. Oz-oh yea, I went there!
6) the shower-great place to cry and nobody knows it, ha!
7) blankets-for when the shivers won't go away
8) my front porch-step onto it and I instantly recieve my daily dose of sunshine! yummy!
9) barf buckets-when my children use them correctly :)
10) music-especially Christmas music!
I hope you are all enjoying christmas break so far! BTW I so enjoy all of your comments. They are so encouraging, and sometimes very funny!

Wow! What a weekend!

It is amazing how one minute I can feel so great and the next like a train hit me! I have noticed my spirits swing with exactly how I feel physically...which doesn't help. For example, yesterday I felt great most of the day, a little tired in the evening but all around really great! John and I went for a drive and got some lunch to get out of the house and took my usuall nap. Too me, it was a great day. I felt confident that everything was going to be ok. Today, I came downstairs at 9:00 am with a temperature of 102.4. What the H#@$? That temperature did not break till 1:00 pm regardless of the tylenol and advil on board! I laid on the couch shivering and miserable. With this, my confidence plummeted and I spent plenty of time crying. grrrr! This is not helpful! I am happy to say I was able to get myself and kids to the Christmas Evish service, which was very good. The kids are out for Christmas break. Please pray for strength to do some fun things with the kids. It is very hard to say no to them "because mommy feels yucky". Totally not fair! Once again, almost can't wait for chemo so these fevers will go away! BTW. My port is healing well and I am stoked my arms will not be tortured anymore! Yay!

Finally....a port!

How can one be so excited for a power port? Well, let me tell you, after being used as a human pin cushion for the past two weeks, a port sounds pretty good, huh? The doctor putting in the port had grand plans to sedate me to the point that I would sleep through the procedure, apparently I am not easily sedated :). I was awake through the whole procedure and actually had a very nice conversation with my nurse! Dr. Port-placer asked twice if I had received any medication and my nurse responded twice with a prompt yes and then would ask me if I felt I needed more. I, of course, eagerly said why not? Bring it on! Never once did it shut me up. Ha! I rock! After a very smooth 45minute recovery period i came home feeling great. By the time I got home I was pretty tired......they caught up with me, so I took a nap. Woke up an hour later and felt like Dr. Port-placer took a sledge hammer to my chest! Dang.....I thought I won this one! Nope. Well I am resting up with my hubby and a good movie. You all have a great night!

I know, it's 3 am!

Yesterday was not a fun day. About 3 days ago I started spiking my temperatures again, and it is sucking the life out of me! Yesterday I was asked to come into Rocky Mt.(that's the cancer center) and have blood cultures and CBC done. After 5 sticks they were able to get one set of blood cultures and the CBC......5. This poor girl felt so bad. Then she found out I was a nurse next door and I thought she was going to faint! Thank God she didn't because I don't have the energy to play nurse. So, anyway, they wanted the blood just to play on the side of caution but the story is.....the temperatures are tumor related. Good God! So are they growing when I spike these temps? No. Are you sure about that? Yes. Silver lining? They should go away when chemo starts. How demented am I that I am now counting down the days for chemo! Ha! I make myself laugh. I was so tired from all of this, as soon as I hung up the phone from my last (barely allowed) phone call, my husband picked me up and whisked me off to bed. This was at 7:30 for crying out loud! Then John came to bed at 12:30 and began to snore. I tried to find joy in that (since I told John that I want to find the joy in everything) but I failed. When did he start to snore? So, here I am, at 3 am blogging to all of you. Thank goodness for this! I have to say, I am really enjoying this time though. It may be three, but it is quiet and I am sitting on my couch with just the Christmas tree on and it is really nice. Love you all!

Tired but good!

Remember what I said yesterday....it was a trick. I believe I was very active, but I crashed for a 3 hour nap. Ooh la la! I am only up this late because of Sierra's last choir show. She did wonderful along with all the DRH kids. I am going to bed now.....more tomorrow.

Plans are set

Today was the first day I did not feel I needed a nap! Isn't that something? Yesterday I felt so wiped out I could barely make it back to my bed by noon and today .....no nap. It's a trick, I tell you! Anyway, got up and got the kids off to school. Then I got mysef slightly presentable and off to see the oncologist. I walked in and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The minute they said hello, I teared up and could hardly hold it together. My appointment was at 11:00am and I sat waiting for 45 minutes in the mist of falling apart. Do you know what I thought when I walked in? To myself I said, " Look at all these old people! What the @#$%%% am I, at the age of 37, doing here?!!!! And why the @#$$%% am I sitting all teary eyed waiting amoung them?!!" Not very nice thought, I suppose. John and I eventually made it over to the puzzle to take our minds off of everything (which seemed to work), then the med tech so rudely interupted to bring us back to a little room to leave us once again alone with our thoughts.......for a very long time! At one point John said, "At least they could have left us with the puzzle if they were going to make us wait again, but noooooo!" I laughed so hard at that! Well, here is the plan. Friday morning I go in to have my port placed. I so can't wait! Then, on Tuesday I go in for a teaching session on my treatment at 8:00 am. They said I could bring anyone I wanted.....anyone want to go with me? We could make it a party! Then I go back on the 4th for my PET scan. You all realize I have to starve myself for all of this stuff.......getting good at that. First chemo treatment is officially set for Jan 6. Thanks for all the comments, they are all so encouraging and many of them make me laugh. You are all becoming my life support and I love you for it! Have a great night!

stages of grief

Last night I went to the Pacu Christmas party and had such a wonderful time......partied like a rock star I tell you! Ok, actually I was home in bed by nine fifteen, woke up at four with a temperature and pain. I kept thinking, "This is my form of a hang-over, and those of you enjoying all that wine will feel my pain by morning." Had to laugh at myself. Regardless, it was so worth it to see everyone!
Woke up this morning, again, realizing that I still had cancer. I am finding myself doing that a lot. Waking up and hoping it was all a bad dream. The kids were still at their sleep-over. I came down stairs and sat on the couch in such a funk. And then it all hit! I was so pissed off at Dr. Oz and all his #$%&* anti cancer advice and all I could think of was taking everything off of the Christmas tree and throwing it against the wall just to watch it shatter......epitime of how I felt.....shattered. I can not believe the extreme emotional swings I am feeling! I know I am going to have more days like these.....so thanks for listening! Can't say it enough.....love you all!

Today I went to Sierra's choir recital and watched my daughter sing with so much pride! It was my first outing and worth every minute. I then went to my post op appointment with my angle surgeon. Things are healing well and I am feeling great! I still have a weight restriction but am allowed to do more......around my princess naps of course! My mom is leaving tonight and is sending out huge thank-you's to everyone! She is comforted by the many loving hands she is leaving me in. Going to bed early.....lots of love.

Just a little funny

Apparently in my last blog I miss spelled very as vary. This was pointed out by my sweet husband. I suppose this simple mistake gives us all something normal to talk about. We certainly don;t want to talk about what is actually going on here....like the three tunors hanging out in my liver. So lets all get it out there....ready? All together now-cancer, cancer, cancer! There! Do we all feel better now? No....but it is said and now we can go on to new and better things. So what are we going to do about this CANCER? Well, I know what I am going to do. I am going to fight like hell and you all are going to cheer me on. Got it?. I know....full of demands. They will keep coming. By the way...we had a great morning. Grandma and Dad wrapped all the Christmas presents while I directed. I did a great job! I am feeling great and eating well today. Thanks for all the prayers!

End of a great day!

After all the grumbling about lack of appetite, I had great calorie intake today. The Mom was very pleased! I feel as though I am needing less pain medication and this makes me happy! Today turned out to be a vary good day. I have one more day to rest before I must venture back out for Sierra's chior concert. I am so excited to see my girl in her first big chior show. My girls will make every valley of this fight well worht it! They are my pride and joy! Praise Jesus for a wonderful day! For my visitors today....it was so great to see you and thank you for for everything!

Small improvements everyday.

It is amazing to me how very little I can eat right now. Our biggest goal is to increase my fat and protien intake so I can heal from the surgery. Can you believe I have spent my whole life controlling my fat intake? No soda, nix the chips, forget the fast food......I feel as though I have spent all this time trying to eat healthy to be healthy. I think this is what makes me so angry. So many feelings are starting to creep up today.....I am trying so hard to be strong for my family and friends but now you will start to see the weak side of me. I am hitting a brick wall and need many prayers to stay strong emotionally and physically. I know there is a reason for everything and God has His hands in this completely and my faith in him needs to remain strong. Thank you all for listening and being there for me.......Love you all!

Good to be home

I have been home with my family now for two days. I am still very tired and dealing with alot of pain, but I have the support of my wonderful family and friends to get through this. I have so many to thank for all that has been done for me and my family. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Our heavenly father is in charge! I am so blessed in so many ways! Our focus now is to heal from the surgery. I will be seeing the doctor by the end of the week to make sure everything is healing well. Within the next couple of weeks I will be going in for my port placement. Continue to pray for healing. I will continue to keep to informed.

Heading home!

Had a great day! Feeling a lot better now. I have been discharged home. I think that I can mend a lot better in the comfort of my own home. I truly appreciate everyone's prayers and help this past week and a half. Please continue to pray as I mend - both for me and my whole family. As much as I want to see everyone, I am still healing and I tire easily. I will blog when I am ready for visitors. Thanks again for all of your prayers and support!

The scoop

OK. Here's the scoop. November 1st I thought I had the Swine Flu. I spiked my first fever. I felt sick to my stomach. Two weeks later, I went to the doctor to find out why I was still having fevers. He wanted a CAT scan of my chest to find out if I had an infection... I still thought that I had Swine Flu. I waited for insurance o.k. and had a CAT scan on November 24th. They called me back to be admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics because they thought there were pockets of fluid on my liver. One procedure led to another and they ended up doing a liver biopsy. Friday. November 27th, the biopsy results came back and I recieved the shock of my life: diagnosed with metastatic liver cancer. Saturday: found the primary source - in my colon - and had that tumor removed. On the mend and regaining strength day by day. Now... will keep you posted on the road to recovery, I appreciate everyone's prayers and support. Check back here for updates - I will keep you posted as we travel this road together!